Yesterday (New Years Day), I was despondent. I was morose. I felt uninspired.
Here I was on the first day of a brand new year, with all the promise it holds, unable to feel excited or grateful.
My mind kept running through what I “should” be happy about, what I “should” be grateful for.
Yes, there were light moments throughout the day:
- Sitting on the couch snuggling with my doggy, Sadie, and watching her completely relax and soak up the love that is here for her. Unapologetically.
- Eating the delicious breakfast my loving husband prepared for myself and our son.
- Walking by the lake and watching as a woman squealed with child-like delight as she slid across the frozen surface.
- The unexpected call from my 86 year old friend to wish me a happy new year.
- The phone conversations with my sons who live in San Diego and London and with my Mom who lives in Jamaica.
And yet… I felt despondent. Sad. For no obvious reason.
It kept building all day, deep inside me. Like an unwelcome guest in my heart.
Ironically, my 86 year old friend said how good it was to hear my voice and how happy I sounded! She said how just hearing my voice lifted her spirit! If only she knew how she had lifted mine! (Note to self: drop her a note today and tell her that).
I have learned that no matter how I am being, I can serve and I am being served. I didn’t pretend to be happy to hear from her. I was genuinely surprised and delighted. It was a gift that she had thought of me and reached out to say hello.
At the end of the day, I was chatting with my best friend, catching up about new years eve etc. but I couldn’t ignore what was going on inside. I acknowledged it saying, “Something’s brewing inside me”. “I know” she said, “I can sense it”.
I proceeded to express and acknowledge all the heavy feelings, negative thoughts and fears that had been brewing all day. Things like “I don’t know why I wanted to write a book. I don’t know what I want to say. I don’t know who I’m writing it for. What’s the point of what I do?”
It felt really good to expose them to the light of day. To express my true feelings.
It’s not often we give ourselves permission to do this. To be negative. Ugly. Most people resist it. We have been to taught to judge it – in others and in ourselves.
My friend held space for me to express. She lovingly listened, not trying to “cheer me up”. What a gift!
Our desire to “cheer people up” often this comes from a space of our own discomfort with ‘negative’ emotions. But, like pus in an infected wound, it needs to be released before true healing can be achieved. It’s part of the healing process. If we are unwilling to sit with it and feel it, we circumvent this very important part of the healing process.
Let me digress and share a story that exemplifies this… A few weeks ago, I had a gum infection. I had felt it coming on while in Jamaica and had gotten some antibiotics and pain relievers. 2 days of antibiotics and it wasn’t getting better, it was actually getting worse. Luckily, my dentist was part of the group of friends I was traveling with and he told me to come to his office the next day.
I woke up on day 3 with the lymph nodes in my neck so swollen I had difficulty swallowing and half my tongue was numb! I had a raging fever, I felt very weak and I could feel myself losing my ability to think straight.
My mind started racing through all the dire possibilities (this is where a little medical knowledge is not necessarily a good thing) Was the infection spreading to my brain? Should I go to the hospital instead of my dentist?
I observed my mind trying to stay in control of the situation and telling my husband that he should call my dentist (who is also a dear friend) and let him know the new developments.
I felt exhausted. I realized I was just too sick in that moment to be in control. I burst into tears. “I can’t do this. I’m too tired.” I was firmly in the grip of fear.
All I could do was surrender.I invited my new doggy into my bed and she happily accepted the invitation.As she lay beside me, I stroke her back and cried.
My husband took charge. He called the dentist who insisted he bring me to his office as planned. He was very confident that the drugs were not able to work effectively because we had to lance the abscess and drain it. He was right.
At some point it would behoove us to trust somebody. When we decide to trust, we have to let go, and only then, can we receive the help and support we need. Then, and only then, will things start to change.
I knew the healing had begun because I felt significantly better as I was leaving my dentists office. The fever broke a few hours later and within 48 hours I was pretty much back to normal.
Even though I have a fantastic relationship with my husband and my dentist and I trust them, the fearful part of me, the unhealed part of me that showed up at day, did not. This experience gave her an opportunity to surrender, to trust, to allow herself to be loved and supported and healed.
So, back to the New Year’s Day story 🙂 …
I allowed myself to feel morose. Despondent. Sad. I asked myself what do I want now? I felt for some white rum. Having a little white rum always helps me to relax into what I’m feeling and be with myself. Not enough to make me drunk or go unconscious. A small dose of this 100 proof Jamaican Wray & Nephew white rum is medicinal. (It is typically applied externally to cool the body quickly when you have a high fever)
I fixed myself a drink, watched a funny movie, then went to bed.
This morning as I awoke I began going through a gratitude process I have developed and it suddenly became crystal clear what yesterday was all about: I was revisiting a state I used to live in much of the time.
As a result, I was able to remember why I do what I do. I was able to connect with the reason I am even writing a book in the first place, what I want to say and why it’s important for me to say it!
THIS is what I do. THIS is what I am an expert in. Helping people to heal by holding space for their deepest, ugliest, most judged, TRUTH. The work we do together brings to the surface and releases the festering abscesses of past hurts and misunderstandings – so that healing can occur.
We get to the root cause of the pain and heal it.
So there you have it. Clarity comes if we are willing to FEEL our pain. Face, feel and move through the fear so we can get to the love on the other side.
Will you let me take your hand and guide you on your healing journey? I’m an expert in doing that with kindness, compassion and a healthy dose of laughter.
It starts with a free conversation. Apply here.